ky

empty at the end of the day
whats the use of waking up?
a hit hard to stand
a fact, inevitable..
you’ll feel weak
incapable,
worthless,
useless.

college life changes you.. its so true.. i cant deny the fact that ive learn bad stuff and as well as good stuff.. well its more of bad than good or either i just didnt notice the good stuff ive learned..
having no classes for today was partly good and partly bad.. and the rest, neutral.. haha.. why? partly good is that i dont have to cram about my rma bibliographies like now, im doing this blog while my main reason for facing the computer is to do rma.. hahaha And another thing i have the time to read what i had borrowed… partly bad.. because im wondering if i passed the esquizze last meeting (sana pasado namn.. wla na ata akong chance na pumasa sa design)  and we still doesnt have the site for our major plate.. which is due soon..

On my wedding day, I carried my wife inmy arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom. This was the scene ten years ago. The following days were as simple
as a cup of pure water: we had a kid; I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affection between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home
almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school. Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes. Dew came into my life. It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her. Dew said, you are the kind of man who best draws girls’ eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of
my wife. When we were just married, my wife said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls. Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn’t help doing so. I moved Dew’s hands aside and said you go to select some furniture, O.K.? I’ve got something to do in the company.
Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised to do it together with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me. However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner.
I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew’s  body. This was the means of my entertainment. One day I said to her in a slightly joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn’t imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious. When
my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out.
Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide
something while talking to her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes. Once again, Dew said to
me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together.
I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more. When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I’ve got something to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the serious topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me
softly, why? I’m serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a
man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew. With a deep sense of
guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into
pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To
me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks   seemed to be firmer and clearer. Late that night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table.
I fall asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again. She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and in the
month’s time we must live as normal a life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn’t want him to see our marriage was broken.
She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember.
You carried me in your arms, she continued,so, I havea requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning. I
accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage romantically.I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to
face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable. My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce
intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over
ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, don’t tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her
down outside the door. She went to wait for a bus, I drove to the office. On the second  day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest.
We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face. On the third day, she
whispered to me, the outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass
there. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vague. On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something,
such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn’t tell Dew about this. I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now. She was picking her dresses. I was
waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had     buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head. Our son came in at the moment.
Dad, it’s time to carry mum out. He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change
my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck
softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step.
Our son had gone to school. She said,actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old. I held her tightly and said, both you and I didn’t notice that our life lacked intimacy. I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the
door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won’t divorce.
I’m serious. She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got no fever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I
can only say sorry to you, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably
because she and I didn’t value the details of life, not because we didn’t love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave
birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry
to you. Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the
office. When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until we are old.

Don’t throw away the 90% that you
already have!"

By Bo Sanchez

From his book: You Have the Power to
Create Love

ADULTERY happens when you start
looking for what you don’t have.

"Bo, this girl in my office is a real
looker," many a husband will say. "But
it’s not her Wynona Rider features
that got me. I’m head over heels with
her because she’s also understanding,
intelligent, tender–so many things
that my wife is not."

Sure.

Guys, trust me on this. Somewhere
along the way, you’ll find a woman who
will be more charming. More alluring.
More thoughtful. Richer. Be a better
cook. Have greater sex appeal. Be a
more efficient housekeeper. And you
will find a woman who will need you
and pursue you and go loco over you
more than your wife ever did. Because
no wife is perfect. Because a wife
will only have 90% of what you’re
looking for. So adultery takes place
when a husband looks for the missing
10%.

Let’s say your wife is melancholic by
nature. You may find yourself drawn to
the pretty clerk who has a cherry
laugh no matter what she says: "I
broke my arm yesterday, Hahahaha…"
Or because your wife is a homebody in
slippers and pajamas, smelling of
garlic and fish oil, you may fall for
a fresh-smelling young sales
representative that visits your office
in a sharp black blazer, high heels,
and a red pencil-cut skirt. Or because
your wife is the quiet type (a rare
find), your heart may skip a beat when
you meet an old college flame who has
the makings of a talk show host like
Oprah.

But wait! That’s only 10% of what you
don’t have.

Don’t throw away the 90% that you
already have!

That’s not all. Add to your wife’s 90%
the 1000% that represents all the
years that you have been with each
other. The storms you have weathered
together. The unforgettable moments of
sadness and joy as a couple. The many
adjustments you have made to love the
other. The wealth of memories that
you’ve accumulated as lovers.

Adultery happens when you start
looking for what you don’t have. But
faithfulness happens when you start
thanking God for what you already have.

But I’m not just talking about
marriage. I’m talking about life!

About your jobs. About your friends.
About your children. About your prayer
groups. About your lifestyles.

Are you like the economy airline
passenger that perennially peeks
through the door of the first class
cabin, obsessed with what he’s
missing? "They have got more leg room!
Oh my, their food is served in
porcelain! Wow, their seats recline at
an 80% angle and they’ve got personal
videos!" I guarantee you’ll be
miserable for the entire trip!

Don’t live your life like that. Forget
about what the world says is first
class. (Do you know that there are
many first class passengers who are
miserable in first class — because
they’re not riding in a private Lear
Jet?)

My main message: If you start thanking
God for what you have right now,
wherever you are… is first class!

You have wealth under your nose. Thank
Him.

Let’s pray to God that we be blessed
with a grateful heart and thankful
attitude all the time.

God Bless You! ü =)

i just read somebody’s blog… wala lang.. nagmumura lang sya.. normally people would just hate leaving for circumstances of failure, being left, being unloved.. but then i see this is just one thing that the world is.. if you worry about anything you’ll just end up wasting your time.. if you thought of being afraid, where does it leads you.. being empty when someone leaves you doesnt mean you only have the problem maybe that someone has done some things too.. and when you question your existence you have forgotten all the good things life gave you.. isnt it worth it to experience that happiness life has though its less than the hardships you had dealt with?

wala lang.. this goes the same for everybody i think, though its different in every situation.. we have different backgrounds, different environment.. thats just it, its hard to be with you.

the world is rough, so we have to prove we’re tougher..

bum. thats what ive been doing.. i had a dream, i cut my hair, in shoulder length.. weird.. i had more dreams that i couldnt remember.. dreams that only showed a scene or two.. leaving me cluelesss.. i also had a dream before that i can see spirits and stuff.. it freaked me out a little then when i woke up i could only remember a thing.. i was afraid i was seeing things.. haha good thing it was only a dream.. hehehe..

waaah.. im bored here.. but not that bored.. bumming here.. doing nothing though i have lots of chores to do.. waah.. this is how i waste time.. letting it slip by.. being pessimist ryt now.. hahahha waahhh.. im fearing that this comin sem it would be harder to survive.. hahhaha.. fear of failure.. where’s my positivity? i know i can make it.. but in life, there’s only one shot. bang! hahahaha.. cant put some sense in this.. hahah.. so i need to stop.. heheh.. i have what ever i need.. and im grateful for it.. i  have good trusted friends.. though there some unstability within my family.. i pray it wont be enough to make me cry.. im starting to feel jealousy.. doubting generosity… why should he support them? yeah its generosity.. but then how will they learn to live when they’re spoon feed by him, they can earn for their living they just dont want to.. asking too much than what i usually ask.. he just couldn’t see how they live.. their in for their galore.. spending like they own it, just waitin to be supported? i dont know, i dont want to assume.. but its not ryt what they ask is too much.. i dont ask like that big.. he’s ours.. not for them.. now im not sure if he still love us… too much this is why i hate boredom.. i dont want to see whats around me.. though i know.. i just dont want to have a comment… i dont want to be in any side.. …. …… …… …. blah blah. but its still a nice day bumming around like this.. peace out…

sayang walang sem break outing.. sana nga meron.. kasi nga kababasa ko lng ng blog ni lagu.. tresured moments na pla kasi these moment are the last few breaks we have from school from the real world…waah an drama..

anyway today was the first day i got to realized na sem break na.. sunday, i had to rest and stay home as much as possible due to my allegies. and yesterday i went to school with marie and straight to the main building to file for an assessment form and i went home right after.. so aun.. stayed home

hinde ko alam kung anong bago.. lagi nalang kasi na lagi akong nagrurush sa mga plates kasi tinstmad ako.. hahaha yun lang naman angtalagang problema ko.. hahaha ang katamaran.. maraming nanyari??
yes cguro.. pero kahit anung manyari malabo parin ang utak ko..
ang kulit ko parin..

to come to think of changes, i did change.. i wont recocgnize my self na ganito na ako.. i’ve grew in the world i dont want to fit in.. i forgot much of what i was before.. i want to be the person close to who i was before but this time more experienced and knowledgable..

walang period………….

this new phase, i dont know how to chase, in this case i dont know where it ends, il take risks, il take chances, but i dont know if i can take it it this end fails, for now we’ll live, il learn from you, and you’ll learn from me, if tears are shed it wont be regret, im unsure with what changes has, but we’ll be fine, and become the better person we can be.

yehey!! eto po na naman akosa pinaka latest na update sa aking buhay.. dahil kapos sa oras, sanay mapapahaba ko ang aking mga kwento sa buhay these days… im somehow inspired to do a blog tonight.. (wow akalaing mong sipagin ako at hindi gumawa sa cadd) anyway enough for the studies.. that’s what ive been doing before i ve gone to pts.. what i need was a big rest.. pts gave that rest to me though its restless with the activities we had but its so refreshing not to worry about things.. it seems like a dream, to have fun and not worrying  thing..im so happy na i saw ach’t ferrer longer in camp cali.. hehehe nakakatuwa talaga sya.. crush daw ba.. i like him so much na sana all the prof could be like him pero hinde.. ahahahha..  pero that was only the first day.. sayang he didnt stay for three days.. heheheh.. i’l kwento about the first day.. i woke up late it was already 6 so i couldnt meet up with marie nd accompany her in the church service.. though im not a catholic, then we went.. hahha.. i wont go into details kasi it would take so much thought and effort to type.. hahaha tamad talaga ako.. hehehe.. aun na nga katabi ko si marie.. im in the window side.. waahahaha.. tpos aun.. waah detailed un naiisip ng inaantok kong utak… anyway.. pagkarating sa laguna, kaliraya, kung san kami’y sumakay na.. maya-maya lang na dumating na si sir ferrer na nasa hungting clothes nya.. hehehe.. mukha xang maghuhunt.. pero ang cute.. balbas lang un nakita ko sakanya kasi natatago na ng hat nya un eyes nya.. tapos aun.. hiiihihihihi.. super tuwa ako.. hahahaha.. tapos andun na kmi.. tagal naming naglakbay sa lake tapos.. aun na.. un colorful na flags.. with three doggies welcoming us.. hehehe.. may parrot din dun.. hehehe.. aun.. aun.. picture picture ng todo.. hahaha.. pero hangang first day lang un battery didnt got a chance to charge it6 again kasi na time limit un paggamit ng electricity.. kaya aun.. then aun ngtalk un mga profs arch’t ferrer and arch’t mercado.. si sir ferrer talked about architecture.. katuwa sya.. and si sir mercado rtalk about  personality? kung allout ka ba or what.. it was inspiring  talks.. kasi naman magaling sila mag talk.. hehehe hnde nkakaantok.. hehehe.. then aun.. group activities na di naman kami. nananalo.. hehehe.. syempre shy ako at first kasi, baka pwede pa akong pagkamalang first year hahahah.. anyway.. pwede naman sana.. hehehe.. aun.. iba un aura sa group since first meeting palang.. nakikiramdam lang ako.. hehehe.. kaya aun.. we didnt won that extra activity pero un pag dating nun night activity may nagawa naman kmi.. we smehow started to mingle… pero ako timid parin kuno.. only chatting with the people i know.. syempre barriers up pa.. then gabi na yehey.. pero i didnot found a time na magtamabny na magisa to appreciate beauty sa area.. kasi ata ng 1,2,3 pass sila sila kaya aun menjoy manuod ng mga consequenceas na pinapagawa.. it was nice,, pero wait.. before that un pagkarating.. i sa a familiar smile.. waaah.. kamukha ng smile ni joel.. waaahh.. un obssession ko.. waaah.. kaya aun.. peo i only glance at him.. hehehe tpos aun.. un late na i got out.. hoping i could be refreshed by the nature, syempre i saw the sky.. yehey.. somehow i manage to wait for the stars to come out and stare at it.. pero mej na iwan ako nung kasama ko magantay ng stars so about 1 nagmeme na ako.. tpos un kinaumagahan.. sabi ni sayc sakin na marami daw after kongpumasok magmeme hehehe kaya un.. sayang.. pero ok lng.. that night din i first saw a shooting star.. a bright one and a fire fly.. yeeey!! hehehe hapi hapi so much.. hehehe.. then aun.. maligo kumain.. after start na amazing race.. aun.. may comp game, mind puzzle, hanapin sa gubat ang mga bagay bagay, magluto (hehe i did what was fun there manage the fire in the grill) tpos, doktor kwak kwak, thentubig tubig, it was also fun sa kainan game, kakainin mo un weird stuff.. i got to eat a ginger.. hehehe.. it was nice experience, hehehe.. i would like to try all the weird food they got pero one cup per person lng kasi.. hehehe.. then aun.. meron pa ba?? hmm/… syempre un kayaking.. hehehe.. un napakaingay ko as in sobra pati un guy na ngbabantay napaptingin nalng.. kasi ang ingay ko as in sobra.. hehehe.. hina ko kasi sa directions.. kaya aun.. ehehe.. then aun.. we ate lunch mga 4 na kaya no more nature trekking.. sayang =( i didnt ate much there kasi di pa msyado luto hehehe.. kaya aun.. then.. waited in my wet clothes.. heheh.. then people started to swim in the lake.. hehehe.. i didnt swinm kasi medyo hydrophobic ako .. hahah.. scaredy cat din ako.. hehehe kaya aun.. then ligo time.. waaah.. may pantal ako na parang pasa na ayaw mawala.. its still in my leg up until now.. aun. then aun.. i started mingling with my group mates sa dulo na table.. somehow the activity for the day saw worth talking about na para kamustahin sila.. few moment we spent together as a team .. mga if they enjoyed it ba or what.. then it night time.. oh my.. the englishness is what i forgot to tell.. we english like so barok all the time and i got a hard time to take it off my system and that it what the first years had learned about us,, the englishing of the curved tongue.. hehehe.. so far so good.. i can make my englishn better than that.. hahah.. so where am i… sh. then the darkness came.. so i took our shower… then i got some time alone after taking a bath.. ai stayed outside and started feeling the breeze that surrounds the area ,the wind blows my hair, the air that touches my face, the comfort around my body, hoping i could be blown away and fly with the wind.. (enngk syempre never nanyayari yun.. )a little piece of what heaven could be, no,  something much greater… aun.. so i had fun alone.. maing myself look like a fool but hey, i dont even care , im not hurting other people naman.. so ok lng… hehehe.. so aun.. that night was wonderful that hnde ko na matutuloy ang kwento coz im sleepy,…  so il try tom.. hehee.. gudnyt.. take care!!